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Riddle: when is a bad movie not a bad movie? When Joe Bob Briggs does a
commentary track. At his best, Joe Bob is a serious film buff with a
satirical, scholarly edge. But when faced with a bad movie, he's better
than anyone (yes, better than the MST3K crew) at making fun of it. Media
Blasters recently released nine new titles, each with its own complete
Joe Bob commentary track. None of these movies would be worth watching,
let alone renting or buying on DVD, except for the new commentary. And
so, like a drive-in movie marathon, I thought I'd tackle them all at
once, watching only the commentary track on each. (See also The
Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up
Zombies as well as I Spit on Your Grave, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter and
Double-D Avenger.)
Another "masterpiece" from Ray Dennis Steckler, this DVD comes with two versions of the film, the 125-minute cut, and Steckler's preferred 70-minute cut (called The Chooper). Joe Bob provides the commentary track on the short version, which is so unbelievably slow and pointless that I was afraid to watch the long version. Steckler's very first cut apparently clocked in at 55 minutes, and so he had to go back and pad it out to feature length, making it even slower.
Directed by Roberta Findlay, this movie tells the story of a group of sorority girls who spend the night in a haunted house. None of it makes any sense, but some of the girls are cute. Joe Bob delves deeper into the mystery of the house, which had something to do with some dead hookers.
One of the best of the bunch, this revenge story delivers serious consequences when a group of teenage practical jokers gang up on a teacher, only to discover that she has something deadly hidden in her past.
Sonny Barger has a speaking role in this film, which has something to do with an attempt to heist a casino and blame it on the Hell's Angels. It's pretty bland and quite a bit less interesting than the other biker film in the series, Run, Angel, Run. Joe Bob takes the time to talk about the history of biker films, which is pretty interesting in itself.
This late effort by Ray Dennis Steckler (The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies) apparently began as an experiment in one of Steckler's film classes. It also contains arguably the screen's first female serial killer. But Steckler shot nearly the entire film silently, and even at only 71 minutes, it's extremely tedious. Even Joe Bob's energy flags toward the end of his commentary track.
This touchy-feely biker movie is arguably the best of the batch, featuring a memorable lead performance by William Smith, an actor who deserves to be better known. Joe Bob fills in many of the incredible details of Smith's life: a scholar, spy, stuntman and prolific actor. Tammy Wynette performs the theme song, and gorgeous cult actress Margaret Markov makes an early appearance.
This movie is funny even without Joe Bob's commentary track, thanks to the terrible acting skills and elephantine screen presence of its long-haired star (Matt Hannon). Co-star Robert Z'Dar had appeared in William Lustig's excellent Maniac Cop a year earlier, and this film tried to cash in on it without actually borrowing any of the elements that made that film work. It also has very little to do with samurai or cops.
Made at around the same time as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this horror film would be compared with its infinitely more popular counterpart, but would come up short. Laurie Walters ("Eight Is Enough") and Joe Spano ("Hill Street Blues") star as a pair of Hansel and Gretel-like teens who stumble upon a haunted spa. The film is well-acted, but contains very little suspense. Joe Bob likes the film enough that his commentary track never runs out of steam. Joe Bob could not track down any information on director William Herbert, but suspects that it's an alias and has a very good guess as to who he really was.
Starring: Carolyn Brandt, Ron Haydock, Amy Brentano, Shannon McMahon, Christopher Stryker, Maureen Mooney, Sonny Barger, Tom Stern, Pierre Agostino, William Smith, Valerie Starrett, Margaret Markov, Robert Z'Dar, Matt Hannon, Laurie Walters, Joe Spano Written by: Ray Dennis Steckler, Ron Haydock, Roberta Findlay, Douglas Grossman, Leo Evans, Don Tait, Richard Compton, V.A. Furlong, Jerome Wish, Bill Herbert Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler, Roberta Findlay, Douglas Grossman, Lee Madden, Jack Starrett, Amir Shervan, Bill Herbert MPAA Rating: Unrated, R Running Time: 700 minutes Date: March 14, 2005
