Conan the Barbarian (2011)

It starts with some stale dialogue, which is then delivered badly by all the actors (including McGowan, who usually understands the value of good pulp). Star Momoa spends most of his time attempting what he must have thought was a steely gaze, but which comes across more like a self-conscious leer. The lazy, ridiculous story surely would have been rejected by the pulps. The action sequences are clunky and incomprehensible, not to mention poorly paced, and the 3D effects are like flat images in a pop-up book.

That might be the worst of it, and indeed, it's enough to make audiences howl with unintentional laughter, but Nispel goes further. He has delivered perhaps the most gruesomely violent movie of the year, although without taking any kind of glee in the violence; it's extreme and horrifying. Last, though hardly least, is the movie's despicable treatment of women as props, and women and children as the targets of brutal violence. Even the Schwarzenegger movies were better. Don't be conned by this Conan.

Lionsgate has released a two-disc set that includes a digital copy, a DVD, and a Blu-Ray, which plays both the 2D and 3D versions (though none of this improves the film at all). Happily, there's a cool 18-minute featurette about the history of Conan, as well as an 11-minute featurette on Conan creator Robert E. Howard. Less interestingly, director Nispel provides a commentary track, and actors Momoa and McGowan provide another one, and there are featurettes on the film's fight and action sequences (presumably a primer on how not to do them).