Combustible Celluloid
 
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With: Patrick Cavanaugh, James DeBello, Tony Denman, Paul H. Kim, Jennifer Lyons, Oren Skoog, David Steinberg, Musetta Vander, Irena A. Hoffman, Natalie Garza, Nicole Garza
Written by: Patrick Casey, Worm Miller
Directed by: David Hillenbrand, Scott Hillenbrand
MPAA Rating: R for crude and sexual content, nudity, drug use, language and some violence
Running Time: 92
Date: 11/18/2009
IMDB

Transylmania (2009)

0 Stars

Toothless

By Jeffrey M. Anderson

All of the so-called jokes in Transylmania are either vulgar or juvenile, consisting of sex, foul language, drugs, stereotypes or noisy bodily functions. It's a completely horrible and often vile collection of idiotic, annoying characters, some haphazard plotting and filmmaking, and little else. It has no artistic or social value, and it contains not one laugh.

A group of teens travel to Romania for a semester abroad. There, they learn of an ancient vampire called Radu who hopes to restore the body of his loved one to life, but her soul is trapped in a lost music box. One of the teens finds the box, his girlfriend becomes possessed by the spirit of the vampire queen, and suddenly vampires swarm the school. To make matters worse, Radu looks exactly like Rusty, another of the teens on the trip. Meanwhile, a mad scientist decapitates a girl in order to find a replacement body for his hunchbacked daughter. During all this, the rest of the teens are mainly interested in partying and sex. Fortunately, teacher/vampire hunter Teodora van Sloan (Musetta Vander) is on the job.

Its extreme subject matter aims the movie at older teens, but viewers in this age group will find it far too stupid for their sensibilities. Unfortunately, pre-teens and younger teens will want to see it, even if they have to buy a ticket for some other movie and sneak into this one. Our only hope is that the movie -- which has been on the shelf for two years prior to its rushed release -- will burn out quickly and fade away quietly.